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February 27, 2004

Uncanny...

I was able to catch up on the storylines of all of the X-books on uncannyxmen.net ...

I do not know if this is a good thing or a bad thing... I am now up to speed on the happenings in the X-Men universe, both the Standard and the Ultimate...

but my desire to own every book has been fueled...

... ... ...

fortunately for me, I cannot live in my comic book collection... so that decision was quite easy to make...

but the yearning...

that still thrives...

... ... ...

the only thing that I will allow myself to continue to completion is my Gambit collection...

only because I have a very (if not total) comprehensive collection of the Cajun...

... ... ...

but I have reached the last two issues of the Ultimate X-Men... my New and Uncanny subscriptions having run out months ago...

fortunately for me, nothing interseting is really going on right now...

I find that I like the crossovers more than single book series, probably because it makes more sense to me that all of these different characters would have to interact or communicate with each other more frequently than is protrayed...

Also, I think they would make better movies... but that is just me...

... ... ...

Interesting how titles with "X" in it seem to be more marketable...

I wonder if that has anything to do with the...

X-Men

February 26, 2004

oh my gosh...

I am here until 5:30pm or so...

I have a soccer game tonight...

I am out of work...

I am tired of playing games on my pda...

and it is only 2:48PM

something to do...

I have officially run out of tasks...

I do not have any work to do.

So to punish my employer for the lack of work, I will blog for as long as I can...

or until I get bored enough to play games on my pda...

which ever comes first...

Strange though. I have been rolling into work between 8:15am and 8:45am which is the normal time that would arrive to work when I am in Southfield...

except the commute is virtually nil in Midland...

that means I am waking up at about 8:00am whereas I would have to wake up at 7:00am otherwise...

The math is quite simple. There is a whole 60 minutes there! I would use that to do something productive, like work out... but the stupid exercise place in our apartment complex does not open until 9:00am and closes and 9:00am...

How stupid is that?

I was going actually pay for a membership to a place up here, but I do not think I will be up here for as long as I thought...

Lorie is out of town... unexpected, and also for an indeterminate amount of time...

which is good and bad...

but whatever...

it kind of sucks when things are running smoothly for so long and then your hit a bump and everything that was neatly tucked away is just tossed everywhere...

but I am confident that everything will reorganize itself, and we will emerge victorious and free...

if not... His will be done.

... ... ...

Ok. Game time...

... ... ...

My little girl
Won't you come with me
Come with me
Tell me

Is there something to do
Is there something to do
Is there something to do
Is there something to do

I'm going crazy with boredom
Come with me
Tell me

Is there something to do...

Grey sky over a black town
I can feel depression
All around
You've got your leather boots on

Is there something to do...

I can't stand another drink
It's surprising this town
Doesn't sink
You're got your leather boots on

Is there something to do...

Your pretty dress is oil stained
From working too hard
For too little
You've got your leather boots on

Is there something to do...

You're feeling the boredom too
I'd gladly go with you
I'd put your leather boots on

Is there something to do...

I'd put your pretty dress on

Is there something to do
Is there something to do...

~Something to Do, Depeche Mode

February 25, 2004

deep breath... sigh...

venting is very helpful... anger creates energy... if that energy is not harnessed and disspelled then it turns into bad energy...

kind of like when you eat... the calories you do not use turn into fat...

and no one likes that...

anyways...

I need to physically remove this anger from my body...

like an iraectomy or irarrhea or something...

or I could go to the gym and beat the shit out of the heavy bag...

... ... ...

Today is Ash Wednesday - marking the beginning of Lent...
Today and Good Friday are the two days during Lent in which fasting and abstaining from meat is obsereved...

and then abstaining from meat on Fridays too...

... ... ...

I think I read somewhere that you are not supposed to eat the flesh of animals that take their rest on the earth, and of those that breathe the air and their products, such as milk from those that walk on the earth, and eggs from birds...

but...no one really ever told me that I could not have cheese... so I am not 100% sure...

so I will just eat sushi...
and fish sticks...

... ... ...

Fasting allows you to eat one full meal during the 24 hour period in which you are fasting.

I think you are supposed to eat that meal during the midday... you know... noonish...

... ... ...

I have to go to Mass tonight... I suppose I am not required as it is not a Holy Day of Obligation...

but I will go anyway...

got some praying to do...

... ... ...

you can eat cheese and milk and eggs when you abstain from meat...

I looked it up.

it is ok.

a line has been drawn...

there is a point in life where you must say,

"Stop. No more."

Because if you do not, your life could very well be in the control of someone else. So you must realize that your life is not theirs and you must fight...

I thought this fight is over once this realization has occurred, but there will always be someone else trying to control that which should be controlled by me...

in life, in work, and even in play...

this fight is on going.

if you give an inch, be ready to fight to keep it at an inch... but sometimes an in is all that is needed for the opposition to plow right over you.

so do not give them an inch...

I used to think that politics suck...

well... I still think politics suck...

but as sleazy and as convoluted politics is, governing is not an easy thing to do.

If people did not have opinions or feelings or free will, sure - cake, but that cannot be, and no amount of wishing will make it so...

trying to interact with people with whom you do not agree, and trying to get something done is so not an easy thing...

if it is not their decision, and they do not agree with the decision made, and the decision has been made, and nothing is going to stop that.

... .. ...

no disrespect but...

STOP TRYING TO CHANGE MY FUCKING MIND...

YOU DO NOT OWN ME... GET THE FUCK OFF MY FUCKING BACK!!!

LIVE WITH IT, BECAUSE I WILL MAKE MANY MORE DECISIONS THAT I AM SURE WILL PROBABLY PISS YOU OFF...

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING DECISIONS.

THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.

... ... ...

ok... so maybe that was a little disrespectful...

and I would never say that to a person's face, unless many more lines are crossed, until not only my personal space has been violated, but the epidermis is in terrible danger of being breached and my well of patience has dried up...

and that well is not, what you would call, deep...

... ... ...

why can you not be happy that we are happy with our own decisions?

how do you tell someone their input and advice is respected and appreciated, but that you will not take it?

how do you tell someone that you did not include them in the decision making process because it was not their decision to make, and if they were included, the decision would no longer be your choice, but a compromise between you and them?

how do you get them just to let go?

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

... ... ...

I am angry.

(could you tell?)

I pray and pray and pray...

there is a solution, but this solution is out of my hands...

so all I can do is pray...

all we can do is pray...

and if you got this far...

please pray for us...

... ... ...

the decision was made.

deal with it...

... ... ...

February 24, 2004

fat tuesday...

I had a paczki today...

well several.

umm... several five.

I think you can classify a paczki as a fatty donut with fruit or jelly filling...

so it is much like a jelly donut, but much bigger, and with more fat.

as you can imagine, the calorie intake on these babies are quite high...

so I will imagine that I am going to run a marathon...

while I eat three more of these bad boys...

... ... ...

I have a dope electronic toothbrush, the reach flosser, and an economy-sized bottle of mint listerine...

I am not worried about cavities or plaque...

... ... ...

hmph...

so this is why they call it fat tuesday...

nature of nature...

my train of thought... not yours... get your own.

how is natural defined? who defines it?

Theologically speaking: Nature is humankind's natural state as distinguished from the state of grace...

but let us not get into that... suppose we take theology out of nature.

what would nature's purpose be? if we take Darwinism at its core - evolution, survival of the fittest...

then nature's purpose would be the perpetuation of itself. nature to beget nature. continued existence of the species, right?

so then any trait that would increase a species' chances to stay alive would be vital for the natural world to survive.

the strong or wily are able to spread their seed, therefore, those traits are passed. If traits are lost, then it was of little or no help in propagation.

Mutations occur first, then if that mutation was helpful, it is passed. If not, then it is useful.

If a species cannot pass traits, then those traits should eventually disappear, assuming mutations do not continually bring these traits back into the loop... but that is entirely possible also...

so would natural be doing anything that would ensure the ability to continue propagation?

if you agree with that, then suicide would be deemed unnatural, because it goes against evolution. if you self terminate, you cannot pass genetic information.

love and affection is natural, because it creates bonds, and bonds will increase the chance of survival, thus increase chance of reproduction.

in the same token, conflict is natural, though destructive. Limited means of reproduction (i.e. male to female ratio - or vice versa) will require the actual use of the traits that will allow certain genetic code to be sustained.

... ... ...

again, this is all on the basis that nature's purpose is to continue itself...

a single requirement, without regard to philosophy, purpose, or meaning.

... ... ...

but people are more than a species... we think, therefore we are... right? we have philisophy and art, mathematics and politics...

but (since we left theology out) how does that make us different from animals?

Just because we have named that which we use makes us superior animals?

beavers and birds instinctively use concepts of engineering when creating damns and nests. All animals have basic math comprehension - i.e. there were five eggs in the nest, and now two are missing. Insects have formed structured societies that organize millions of "citizens" which work together for the common good of the colony...

because we think and control our desires? is it not only humans that kill members of its own species for reasons other than mere survival?

or am I being naive.

what makes us special?

just because we can, does not mean that we should...

why do we find it necessary?

going back to the "natural" world, does not the criteria of nature make humans as a species "unnatural"?

we wage war and we slaughter the natural world for its resources. we have used our intellect to create technology capable of wiping us completely off of the face of this Earth.

With all of our brain power, you would think that we would have thought through that a little bit more.

Have you ever seen images of a many different species of animals sharing a water hole with no animosity? no one species claims it as their own, and no one uses more than they need at that time.

So what makes us different?

The answer is easy.

Which kind of makes me wonder why it is not apparent to everyone...

We have natural...

and we have supernatural...

So does theism gives us meaning?

Yes.

You can give arguments for or against the existence of God until you are blue in the face...

But I have my faith. Perhaps it is a gift. Perhaps I asked for it. In any case I have it.

Which is why I have so much trouble understanding atheism... how can you not believe?

for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction...

so, if this moved this, that that was moved by that, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

then what moved first and how did it move?

and let us assume that you do not believe in any god...

how is it possible, that through all of history to now and all over the world people as a whole have acknowledged a higher power of some sort? To explain the things they did not understand? So how do you explain the current existence of religion?

what? we still religion that to explain that which we do not understand?

whatever...

explain to me, then, your conscience, the sense of moral responsibility... how do we instinctively know what is right and what is wrong?

Innocence is lost through those that are no longer innocent...

ok...

train has come to a complete stop... please exit the ride...

the 7:30 show is completely different from the 9:30 show...

February 23, 2004

and I would like to thank the academy...

so we won.

(Eric, Joel, and I entered a trailer competition - explaining where the exits were and telling them about the concessions and what not.)

I was not expecting it because I had no expectations.

I stumbled a quick "thank you" while probably looking like a fool.

So, in an effort to make up for last night...

Thanks to Lorie for having the hook up and telling us about the competition.

Thanks to Eric for moderating and organizing our thoughts and efforts and producing and for the help with the soundtrack.

Thanks to Joel for all his time and the superb editing and cg and sound effects.

Also to both Eric and Joel for lending their fine thespian skills for display...

Thanks to Connie for showing up to the shoot that never happened but for taking time off work and her willingness to be involved...

Thanks to Philippe for... mum is the word...

Thanks to Heather, Anna, Chrissy, John, and Mom for supporting us by going to the awards ceremony even before we knew that it was just for finalists...

and last, but certainly never least, Praise be to God for giving Eric, Joel, and I the talents and time to pull this thing off...

... ... ...

I would link you too the trailer so you can see it, but it would eat up too much of Eric's bandwidth... so I will not...

... ... ...

a great collaboration...

and "they" actually liked it...

fun!

February 22, 2004

lucid and well communicated...

I enjoy debate.

I like engaging in conversation that will somehow increase my mental acuity. I like learning from my mistakes. I like to see creative methods of argument and witticism...

I decidedly do not like irrational and emotional outbusts that cause people to cry for no good reason...

I do not like people to cry usually, but I get some kind of grim satisfaction making people, who I do not particularly like at the moment, cry or seeing them partaking in the suffering they have caused...

so sue me, I am human.

but for the most part, I like the status quo...

like I have always said - if you want me to align to your point, prove to me that it is right.

do not give me stupid reasons and expect that your yelling and screaming will somehow replace a valid argument.

I cannot argue against irrationality, because anything argued on an incorrect basis can go anywhere.

I could prove anything is true as long as my basis supports it - very mind me having support for my basis.

whatever.

we must weather the storm.

and we will.

because we will be together.

February 20, 2004

experience...

there is something to be said about experience.

"A little learning is a dangerous thing; drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring: there shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, and drinking largely sobers us again." ~ Alexander Pope (1688-1744) - An Essay on Criticism

The more you know, the more you realize you do not know.

Knowledge gleaned at one point of development will be perceived and processed differently at a later stage.

I realize this over an over again as I grow older - cringing at the points in my life I was so completely clueless...

It almost makes me question every statement I make and every belief that I believe...

Almost...

Experience speaks volumes, and if everyone were unsure of everything, than nothing would get done.

Better to keep moving, even if you think it might be in the wrong direction, because if you keep moving, you are less likely to get stuck...

unless you hit a dead end.

but let us try to think a little bit more on the positive side, shall we?

I remember reading that after a martial artist has reached a certain degree of black belt, he goes back to red...

supposedly because he should know nothing, yet understand everything.

One would think that it means that there is a difference between knowing and undestanding. I guess you could say it is akin to the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer.

to know is not necessarily to know why...

that why comes in big more often than not, no?

Deeds are thrown into questions because of intention.

Ends do not justify the means?

A moral conundrum.

How we got here is just as important as where we are, just as how we move forward is just as important as where we want to be...

but that latter one is more obvious hunh...

... ... ...

oh look...

a circle...

I seem to be talking into it...

... ... ...

experience is also another name we give our mistakes...
but so is practice...

whatever that is supposed to mean.

February 19, 2004

quiet on the set...

there are many times where I view my life like a movie.

I can see the scenes I am living from the outside.

of course this is a movie that would be quite boring, and probably without audience...

well... maybe One.

In any case, the plot would be filled twists and turn, which to the protagonist, would seem quite perplexing and dramatic, whereas from the perspective of the audience, very predictable and mundane.

While you are living life first person, all of your decisions and situations seem to be so climactic, so momentous...

yet hindsight is 20/20, and it seems so is every other viewpoint greater that the first.

Yes, it was exciting thinking about this, and for all of the hope and fear and wonder, the moment built upon will seem quite silly when the moment arrives and it is less than glorious.

ah...

but there are those true moments.

the ones for the books (and the blogs... although some might argue any moments is for the blogs)...

the ones that everybody remembers (or anybody who is anyone... to me...)

the one whose culmination reaches higher than any expectation, than any hope or dream...

those rock.

I have a couple of those on which I am building.

the movie I am living might be boring and anti-climactic right now... actionless... without drama...

but I always thought character development was key...

and the few main characters in my movie have been more than dynamic...

and I know there are a few obstacles over which the charaters must overcome...


... ... ...

but then again, I could be blinded by my protagonistic perception.

... ... ...

but this is a movie where audience participation is essential...

considering the fact that the audience is really in the movie...

... ... ...

but please, dispose of your trash in the proper receptacles...

and remember...

In case of an emergency... walk, do not run, to the nearest exits...

Thank you for your cooperation.

... ... ...

[R] Restricted. This movie has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.

when I say...

"I Love You,"

I mean that being with you is all I need to walk into the future unafraid...

I mean that we've become so much a part of one another we can almost read each other's thoughts and hearts...

I mean that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me...

and I know, no matter what, you'll always keep your promise of love...

just as I'll keep mine...

February 18, 2004

keeps on ticking...

time does not like to stop, or even slow down... nevermind backwards...

199 days to go until we are married...

we are busy.

but not so much that you would notice.

lorie and I are throwing at each other spreadsheets that we so cleverly made on excel.

hers are quite pretty...
mine actually work...

Together we have quite pretty functional spreadsheets that can take the number of people you have invited (or confirmed) figure out the different permutations of the cost of the meal, hors d.oeuvres, veggie plate, alcohol, tax and tip, etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum...

I just have to integrate that onto the master spreadsheet for the rest of the wedding...

yes. I am the guy that has a spreadsheet for everything...

and then uploads it to his pda.

... ... ...

I showed my hold'em starting hand spreadsheet to luis... he pulled out a card with the same thing.

I think I had more fun making the spreadsheet than he had buying the card.

... ... ...

lorie does not want to play with the spreadsheet I fixed for the reception.

she does not think it is pretty enough.

... ... ...

I just made another version of it, which I have yet to show her, that is prettier.

I added colors and junk.

same functionality - just more aesthetically pleasing.

... ... ...

chicks are weird.

... ... ...

time is flying...

gotta get to work.

gaya gaya puto maya

I saw connie's, and I wanted one too...



create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide



create your personalized map of europe
or write about it on the open travel guide



create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

can you live in it?

this is the question that I have posed and that has been posed to me over the course of the last year and a half.

can you live in it?

meaning: we-are-going-to-be-buying-a-house-and-we-need-money-so-is-the-thing-on-which-you-are-about-to-spend-money-worth-not-being-able-to-live-in-a-house-of-our-own?

clothes, shoes, movies, clothes, shoes, books, clothes, shoes, toys, clothes, shoes, comic books, clothes, shoes, etcetera...

soon - that questions will change to "what about the wedding?" or "what about the mortgage"

this will probably last for at least a year after the wedding...

I think...

in less than a year I will be trading all of the money pent up in bank accounts and stocks and what not for some of the most beautiful things in the world...

a marriage and a home.

marriage meaning Holy Matrimony, God and true love in a relationship - not your britney-spears-I-want-to-be-crazy-in-vegas marriage.

home meaning family, togetherness, love, affection, security, refuge...

and hearts...

... For without hearts there is no home. ~Lord Byron

... ... ...

so is it a problem for me to not spend money.

no.

why?

because what I will trade it for is something I can live in, live with, and live for.

only trouble is...

I had a great rest last night.

A full eight hours of sleep.

my apartment does not have a humidifier, so it is quite dry

I remember I had several dreams. I only remember one detail from any of them...

somehow my tooth got chipped.

I think Lorie was the one who noticed when the tooth got chipped.

Three-quarters of my front tooth fell off and people kept helping my look for it, but they ended up giving me a bunch of pebbles to try to fit in my gap.

At one point, I think I thought I found it, but it ended up being some type of mica...

which crumble upon entering my cracked tooth...

... ... ...

I have to stop here right now.

February 17, 2004

not here.

and it falls.

slowly at first, but then much faster.
hitting the patterned field with an echoing, quiet, thud.

quick brushes followed by the clatter of clay.
fingers snap up the corners and the soft fabric muffles the sound.

a grunt. a whisper. a motion.
three discs are thrown across the felt.

fingers snap again.
a reach. a hesitation. a sigh.

defeat shines through the eyes.
and he knows he does not belong here.

he belongs somewhere else.

he belongs there.

motion sickness...

ergonomics has been the word of the day for the last few years a my client...

saftey safety safety...

Considering that most of my work is in the office, the most we need to owrry about is carpal tunnel and paper cuts...

and the rare disgruntled worker...

so they just gave me this fully adjustable, five-wheel chair... you can adjust the height, the height and postiion of the arm rest, the lumbar support, the rocking tension, you can turn the rocking on and off, you can make it rock back and forth, or just back, or just forth...

it is with this rocking ability that I have focused a good portion of my afternoon to this point (on which, from this point, I will cease to focus - and I will tell you why.)

all of the adjustments for the chair are underneath the seat. Logical, since you do not want to be sitting on levers and knobs and such. The pictograms on the various adjustment devices were quite descriptive, yet, somehow misleading.

yes, the elevation up and down was simple - as this lever is quite standard on most other office chairs.

the arm rests gave me some trouble only because one of them is loose and I have not the tools necessary to remedy the imperfection of this hand-me-down chair.

the rocking, however, seemed to give me a greater pause than all of the other devices together.

it seems that the chair must be in a neutral position before the rocking can be toggled. to rock back, obviously the chair must be forward so that the locking mechanism will not be caught against the force of the seat. but to stop the rocking forward, the chair must be unlocked and back or in a neutral position for the rocking forward to be enabled or disabled.

well, it took quite a bit of rocking to figure this whole thing out.

and since the levers for this were to the left of me and under the seat, I had to rock back and forth looking over and down the left side of the chair, will trying to fiddle with the stupid switches.

when both rocking levers are in the locked position, the chair is quite sturdy and stable.

when only the rocking back lever is released, it can be quite comfortable - however bad for your ergonmic utility, but abrupt when rocking forward.

when only the rocking forward lever is unlocked, you can lean forward with ease, but sitting back is quite sudden, as the chair no longer leans back.

when both levers are free, the chair rocks like a boat in the water.

putting the levers back into position requires that you rock them into position before flipping any switch.

... ... ...

I now fully understand how the chair works.

... ... ...

I now have a fully developed headache with a good dose of nausea.

... ... ...

I have to do real work now.

February 13, 2004

grim realizations

Once a week is not enough to run hard.

You would think that since I run hard once a week, I would start to feel less demolished after two or three minutes.

But noooooooo.

We had a rough game last night (which we won. Wooo hoooo) against a less than congenial team. Everyone works together quite well - the chemistry is there. You cannot get chemistry like this, even in a lab.

So our couch/captain/forward/midfield decides since our usual starters were like three minutes late I got to play...

um, hello?

24 minutes halves, we are supposed to sub every two minutes, you know, so we can keep fresh.

yeah. right.

two minutes thirty seconds later.

heavy panting
I...
heavy panting
uh...
heavy panting
SUB!
heavy panting
coughing

I do not smoke anymore. I have not smoked regularly since my junior year of college, and I quit smoking altogher (i.e. socially) last year.

really. I did.

so that is not my problem.

kris still smokes and he can hold it down.

[SURGEON GENERAL.S WARNING: Tobacco Use Increases The Risk of Infertility, Stillbirth, Low Birth Weight,Lung Cancer And Heart Disease, Even In Nonsmokers]

my problem probably has to do with the lack of endurance. I remember reading somewhere that there are two levels of "endurance": some kind of high performance endurance, which I think is anaerobic - where the person can perform at a higher level for long periods or something by burning the sugar instead of fat.Then there is the low level where the endurance is for an extended period, but not quite so intense or something.

I forget.

you look it up.

bottom line.

I am not the young buck I once (or never) was...

two minutes in and I am wrecked.

a few (five) minutes later I'm good for another two minutes - more if I do not have to run hard.

but apparently I need to pick my hard runs, because I seem to run hard everywhere for no reason.

so you see, it is evident that I have to run more.

... ... ...

it will also probably help if I stop eating so much damn ice cream...

... ... ...

nah.

:-P

February 12, 2004

what are you waiting for?

so you have done it. you have set your goals and you have attained them. congratulations.

but you are not happy.

why?

were they really your goals?

you do not know, and no one else can tell you because this is something you must figure out on your own. I can help, but my help might take you away from where you need to be.

but I am more than willing to help.

make your move. sometimes, you cannot think more than one move ahead. not even you can think through every possible scenario. if you take too much time thinking about what you should do instead of doing something then everything will pass you by.

we cannot have that. life is meant for living, doing, interacting.

thinking is a part of it, but there are points where you must charge head first into the unknown and handle the consequences when they arise.

it builds character.

the tricky part is, figuring out when those rushes should happen. you do not want to go kamikaze at the wrong moment.

but you also do not want to take the opportunity too late.

ther eis no map you can follow, no guide to hold you hand...

well... except for Him.

but you would have to listen to Him, because He is always speaking to us, whether you can tune in or not.

you are smart, capable, and you will land on your feet no matter where you go. if the road leads you back, so be it.

you need to be somewhere. it is your life, and you know how to drive it.

so get behind the wheel.

go.

February 11, 2004

unforgettable...

how often is it, that we, or should I say "I", forget something that we just did because we did it so quickly and out of habit?

when you are in the shower, do you forget if you have shampooed your hair?
when you park your car, do you forget whether you locked the doors or not?
when you leave the house, do you forget if you locked the door?

I just dropped off my tax returns at the post office. I even went to the desk to have them weigh the parcels (as the forms one must complete to participate in this intrusive taxing can add some bulk to an envelope) because the normal $0.37 would have been inadequate postage, but $0.74 would have been too much...

then I pay and I leave.

But I forget whether or not I took the items to be mailed with me.

It does not make sense that they would put the postage on the envelopes and then give them back to me, as the whole excerise would have ended with me leaving my packages with the post office in one form or another. But I do not remember the time between handing them my money and exiting the post office.

I did not, of course, realize this until I was standing in line at a Little Ceasar's getting my $5.55 Hot'n'ready pizza (yes - $5.55... I am in Midland right now, and everything here is messed up. Not to mention the nearest Best Buy is practically 40 minutes away)

So it has been bothering me all afternoon - all two and a half hours of it. It bothered me whilst I ate 3 of the 10 slices of pizza. It bothered me on the way back to the office and it still bothers me. The envelopes are neither in my car nor in my coat. I do not believe that I dropped them, and they would logically have to be in process, or the post office would be retarded as well.

So I am needlessly fretting. I feel so...

uncomfortable... but that could be this stupid chair in which I am sitting.

Oh well, I will have to settle for being less than bright today...

in every way...

February 10, 2004

and counting...

one person, me, who gets thirsty, but does not want just water and is tired of the crappy green tea the office provides.

two: the time of day that I realize that I am thirsty and I am going into food coma. Considering that I have no change for which to feed the vending machine, and given the limited number of choices available, I have two options for a beverage - coffee and hot chocolate.

three 12-ounce cups of hot chocolate. Three cups requires six packets of mix - as each packet requires six ounces of water.

hot water.

three is also the number of half-full to full lip medex containers on my person. Somehow, there was one in every pocket that did not have a hole in my coat.

four: the number of times hot water splashed on me, resulting in the silent screams under my breath. Fortunately for me, our office is equipped with white noise generators which muffle the sounds of my yelps. These white noise generators are very similar to the sound I hear when I have left a loud club or concert, so I feel like my ears are ringing for ten hours of the day. Four also happens to be the number of people that played poker last night. Going back to three, three of the four could be considered fish in a barrel. Going back to two, the number of hours it took me to dispatch each of them of their chips. But that has nothing to do with anything right now...

five is the number of cups of hot chocolate that I estimate I will quaff over the rest of the work day. This could also be the number that I will visit the bathroom over the rest of the calendar day. Five also happens to be the number of fingers that I have on one hand, as well as the number of toes I have on one foot.

six: the number after five, which is also just here because I was on such a good roll that I thought I would keep going. But now I will stop.

very superstitious...

I am not supposed to be superstitious - good Catholic and all of that.

I am really not superstitious...

anymore.

Growing up, I read a lot of books, and, as I was quite impressionable, I succumbed to their notions because I thought they were quite neat and they were in a book.

I could distinguish fiction from fact, as I was not one who got so immersed into a game that I lived the game, but the occult really sank its hooks deep in me.

vampires (vampyr, vampir), werewolves (lycanthropus, lycanthrope), magic, voodoo - you name it, I read up on it and reveled in it, became obsessed with it...

It got to the point where I would only sleep with my head pointing north,
I would never walk with only one shoe on,
I would never cut my nails before Monday or after Thursday,
I always walked ten steps backwards when I had to turn around,
I never stepped on a visible crack,
I always picked up pennies, but only if they were face up,
I always picked up pins, but only if they were pointing away from me,
I always threw spilt salt over my left shoulder
etcetera,
etcetera,
ad nauseum...

it was quite silly, but I was so practiced in all of these superstitions that it became automatic to the point it was so natural to me that no one would notice.

but, man, it took a lot of effort.

In the mind of the child that was me, I truly believed that I could be bewitched and that this catastrophe would happen and that I could affect this person...

then one day, out of nowhere...

I got bored with it.

that game was over.

"... when I became a man, I did away with childish things..."

well...

mostly...

}:-)

Today, I will still catch myself automatically performing some superstitious action here or there - and when I do, I force myself to break that superstition, just to get out of that cycle.

Other times, they are just habits that were based on a superstition, but hold no unnatural or supernatural meaning for me.

When people could not understand what was happening, they rationalized it away by projecting that fear onto an everyday occurrence. Coincidence and serendipity can make an animal the harbiner of death or messenger of fortune.

How nice.

except for...

now when people come across seven headed dragons, they think it will destroy them, when really he is just working out.

so remember - be nice to deadly looking seven-headed dragons, because sometimes, you are a deadly looking seve-headed dragon, too.

... ... ...

Anyhow, now, all of that knowledge of superstition has just become trivia for me.

nothing more than chicanery and hogwash...

simply just

writing on the wall...

... ... ...

I just broke the habit of needing to throw dice before I play poker.

I rationalized that if I did not throw dice before a poker game, I would lose.

... ... ...

with 5 or more people - In an early position and especially under then gun, throw away anything less than a pair of tens.

AA, AKs, AKo, KK, KQs, KQo, QQ, QJs, QJo, JJ, JTs, JTo, TT...

February 09, 2004

hold this...

I have phases.

I will go on these runs of doing this one thing until I get bored with it or until something else catches my gnat-sized attention span.

sometimes they are expensive and frivolous (paintball, dvd's, electronics, comics)
sometimes they are mind-expanding and fulfilling (books, writing, drawing, music)
sometimes they are necessary(love, family, cleaning, building)

I am on a poker run - and I have a feeling that it has the potential to keep running for a long time.

like marathon style.

anything to keep playing and getting better - although the cheaper the better.

opponents of assorted shapes, sizes, talents, and personalities.

Big kids, little kids, kids who climb on rocks, fat kids, skinny kids, even kids with chicken pox...

... ... ...

poker tonight.

poker friday.

poker poker poker.

... ... ...

for you card sharks out there... please take it easy on me.

heh heh heh.

... ... ...

I am getting that feeling in my stomach that I used to get right before I would perform something or other.

nerves, adrenaline, sweat...

I love it and hate it at the same time.

... ... ...

no, I can't just keep on trippin - there is no safe place to go.

and I don't regret the things I did, but how on earth could I know?

here I go...

catch me I'm falling deep...

February 08, 2004

shiver and shake...

those moments in life where you are less than brilliant.

the words you said that you really wish you could take back...

the kiss you tried to take that got denied, because you read the girl wrong...

the toilet paper on the heel of your shoe...

the fly you just did not zip...

... ... ...

I have a bunch of those - maybe not specifically the ones listed above... but I have a bunch...

and I still cringe everytime I think about it.

I still get embarrassed...

silly - because I am probably the only person that remembers that precise moment.

but for some reason, those moments still make me crumble right to my foundations...

and no matter how cool I was feeling a second before, I will feel as small as an ant a second later...

... ... ...

there is a superstition that if you step on an ant it will rain shortly thereafter...

but what about in the winter?

... ... ...

the indigenous people of the American continent danced to summon rain.
they were 100% successful, because they never stopped until it rained.

... ... ...

there is a difference between malts and milkshakes...

February 06, 2004

nice...

I just had a conversation.

it was a good one - nothing of any real depth, but nothing contrived. It was two people talking to each other, being friendly, and relating to each other.

sometimes I feel some conversations are forced and it is almost stressful to partake in them.

sometimes I will have a conversation that is a deluge of emotion and energy which leaves me feeling refreshingly free.

... ... ...

sometimes alcohol helps. Not that I am promoting the imbibing of fermented grains, but it does help loosen the tongue... as in conversation, pervert.

Moderation is a must of course.

... ... ...

did you know what a diuretic is?

well... I guess I had too much...

and this diuretic is doing its job...

and I must answer its call.

practice makes perfect.

I am a performer. I may not be very good at much, but dammit, I like showing off.

I like to act.

One person once told me that actors are just good liars.

I am a good liar.

It does not take a lot to put yourself into another character - essentially, to become that which you are pretending. You just the the discipline and presence of mind to pull it off.

Fortune favors the prepared... or something like that.

... ... ...

uh... this is not going any where now. so I am going to stop.

February 05, 2004

capacity...

"Don't you have any thoughts of your own on this matter? Or do you? Is that your thing? You come into a bar, you read some obscure passage, and then pretend? You pawn it off as your own, as your own idea just to impress some girls? Embarrass my friend? See, the sad thing about a guy like you is in fifty years you're gonna start doing some thinking on your own, and you're gonna come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life: one, don't do that, and, two, you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin' education you coulda got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library." ~Will Hunting

I think I have no capacity for original thought. Maybe that is what makes geniuses geniuses. Taking all of the knowledge available and creating the next step. A new paradigm. A new... um... word.

They can take two plus two and get five, or even ten...

So let us suppose for a moment, that I do have tha ability to create a lucid, supportable conclusion from the ether. Chances are, someone beat me to it already right? So even though it was original to me, I can go look it up and find that someone had the same spark 50 years ago, and I am just another person who read it...

does that discount the fact that I did not need to read it to develop it?

It is a good thing that there are more geniuses out there today coming up with new and exciting ideas that no one has ever imagined. Or maybe all of the ideas were imagined and just never written down, and then they were eventually forgotten.

I think that is what happens to me. Maybe the new definition of a genius should be a person who has a great epiphany and has the presence of mind to have some method of capturing that idea to later refine it and eventually share it with the world.

But they would have to recognize that the thought is one of great potential. So that would make a genius a person that has a great epiphany, recognizes it, and has the presence of mind to have some method of captureing that idea to later refine it and eventually share it with the world.

And there are the other geniuses that recognize when a person is a genius and can capitalize on that which is to be shared with the world...

hopefully, one day with practice, I can be a genius - one type or another...

cos' I'm drinking milk...

... ... ...

whatever.

supposition is over. I think I will just continue to plagerize all of my ideas, and delude myself into thinking that I am smart.

go figure.

the only capacity that I have is not even really mine...

talk to Him...

He will tell you...

February 04, 2004

transitive property...

"What about love?"

"Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate."

... ... ...

Excessive amounts of chocolate consumed within a period of less than three hours is toxic to humans...

... ... ...

.:Excessive amounts of love within a period of less than three hours is not good.

... ... ...

"Your theories are the worse kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy and your conclusions are highly questionable. You're a poor scientist..."

"...but the students love us!"

... ... ...

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur

Two things...

speaking another language and speaking with a cool accent...

scratch that last one... speaking with an accent and sounding cool or cute...

It might be just me and my lack of speaking anything but Englsih fluently, but I am envious, I am impressed, and I am humbled by those that can speak more than one language...

so I have been victimized by my American upbringing and taught to speak the language of the country in which I was raised.

I think I was told once that I was never taught Tagalog because of either the fear of me getting confused or the fear of me having an accent.

Understandable, looking from the perspective of my parents, their desire for their children to assimilate into a country which was founded by white, european settlers who did not want to pay their taxes...

Accents and taglish would have, in their minds, segregated us even more...

Would things be different if I had learned Tagalog... sure...
Would things be different if I kept learning French... of course...
Would things be different if I took that four month long exchange program in Japan... most definitely...

but I did not, so there you have it.

I listen to Lorie speaking with her family in Vietnamese, and I am dumbfounded - and paranoid because I do not know if they are talking about me, and what they were saying if they were...

I listen to my mom talk to our family and friends, and I want to converse without sounding like an idiot - but that could very well be the case, even in English...

Everything sounds cooler to me when it is in another language...

mysterious...

complex...

...

foreign.... :-P

... ... ...

the same could be said about accents... people become more attractive than they allowed... people sound smarter than they are actually... phrases sound softer or carry more weight...

but then again, this is just me.

... ... ...

in elementary school, I played this computer game in which I was mayor or president or something in the distant future...

the science in the game had created this nugget that gave all knowledge to all of the human children who ate it... kinda biblical, hunh? But the dolphins who got much smarter could not consume the nugget, so they had to go to school - but that is another story...

anyhow, does anyone know of a nugget that can allow me to be omni-lingual?

no?

... ... ...

maybe in the future...

... ... ...

five drops and then speak the words...

"Klaatu... Barrada... Nnn... nnn... Necktie!..."

February 03, 2004

so...

today is

02/03/04

hee hee...

neat...

like at 12:34pm on May 6th, 1978 it was

12:34 5-6-78

... ... ...

that is it.

... ... ...

February 02, 2004

trapped...

it was a wonderful weekend...

relaxing, yet tiring...

fun, yet busy...

sunny, yet cold...

... ... ...

let us focus on that last one for a moment shall we?

in good old chicago, the windy city...

our wonderful friend has a loft which has a great big window through which the sun shines during the day, and the twinkle through the night...

well, one particular morning, the sun shone brightly, with all of its might...

but deep within the depths of nature's mischevious mind, this was merely the bait, for our minds were filled with excitment as we believed the sun was proclamation of a warmer day...

to our dismay...

it was a single-digit, negative, Celsius day... an in-the-teens Fahrenheit day...

it was an I-need-long-johns-because-I-will-die-of-hypothermia-and-some-hot-chocolate-would-be-nice-too day...

I swear, my spit was freezing whenever I spat...

... ... ...

so we bundled up and then went shopping...

and although I did not buy anything, Lorie found something - and she bought it, and she was happy...

and that is all that really matters, is it not?