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there are times when I think that my handwriting is very similar to my late father's...

at least from memory. I am sure that I could find some pages with his writing on it, but sometimes my own handwriting reminds me of him.

hmph.

strange.

I thought I noticed it before, but maybe it was just my imagination.

running away with me.

... ... ...

so I found out something today.

the toll I paid on the way to work that I thought I didn't have money for but I did so I paid it... yeah, I was told that there is a way to get around it.

but I spent a whole 4 miles worried that I had no money, but I found that I had a $20 which was from my mom paying me back for some things that I bought her.

that was a good thing though.

without that money, the lady would have tken down my driver's license info.

Posted by ryan at 05:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

now get the hell out...

yeah.

I'm at home right now.

I have about enough time to clean up a bit, do a load or two of laundry, and get my stuff together so I can leave.

Did you know that there is about a foot of snow in my driveway? I figured that it would have melted over the last week.

but no.

it's still there.

waiting. watching.

screw it.

... ... ...

so I checked the fridge.

scary.

... ... ...

no.

really.

the inside was scary. For those familiar with Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I believe that the cousin of Ol' Drippy was being birthed on the tapioca that was left on the top most shelf in some tupperware. quite furry.

quite.

... ... ...

and his sister was growing on the left over dim sum spare ribs from about a month ago.

Gross.

with a double 's' and a capital 'g' (oh, wait. you can see that as it was typed!)

... ... ...

I killed them both, along with other over ripe items in the fridge. I introduced them to the distant relative of the sarlacc called, "The Garbage Disposal"

I followed up the distruction by thowing in a bad lime to cleanse the disposal blades and to give it a fresh citrusy scent.

... ... ...

how nice.

... ... ...

now, I must attend to more pressing matters, like packing and printing out my boarding pass. when you next hear from me I should be not where I am now.

Posted by ryan at 10:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

there is a premium to pay for fun.

er...

training, rather.

I can no longer taste food. I think that might be because of the fact that I can't breathe out of nose.

either that, or the food that I had last night didn't have any taste. which is quite possible, despite the place's zagat rating.

the soup was good, though the sushi didn't have much flavor. (this was confirmed by my compatriots, as I stated before, my sense of taste was at the moment lacking.)

I may be coming down with something.

or I am suffering from some sort of allergy to something.

to rememdy the situation, I have been imbibing drinks filled with vitamin c and consuming a lot of yogurt.

... ... ...

I won't worry my life away...

... ... ...

I'm going boarding now.

Posted by ryan at 07:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have met a ridiculous number of people this week.

I have.

it's ridiculous.

all over the world. Singapore. Shanghai. Seoul. Tokyo. Rio. Paris. Toronto. Dallas. London. Melbourne. Amsterdam. Madrid. Barcelona. Philly. DC. Boston. NYC. LA. Atlanta. San Francisco. Chicago.

I learned that dancing is a lot like drunken boxing. it is much easier after a few drinks.

I learned that I actually knew a lot more that I thought I did. I also learned that I didn't know a lot more than I actually believed.

I also learned that binge drinking for four days straight is probably not the best way to make an impression.

did you know that it is actually the moth larvae that create the holes in your sweaters? I fucking hate those little bastards.

I learned more English. At least the proper way to use (excuse the spelling) bollocks, wanker (if you use this one, you're gonna get punched, btw), nancy-boy, piss-on, and a couple of others that I can't remember right now because of all of the fight that I put my body through. Right now, I need to replenish the water and the vitamin a and c that has been diminished due to the fact that they aid the kreb's cycle break down the acetaldehyde. which comes from the ethanol which is found in alcoholic drinks.

the fact that I have even made it this far this late is a freakin feat of mind over matter. except I probably don't have a mind. so I guess. it really doesn't matter. stop.

it's been about 15 minutes since I have arrived in my hotel room. Hence it is about 15 minutes that I have let the shower warm up.

I am so totally gonna get my ass kicked tomorrow in training.

and wtf is up with my muscles hurting? they seem sore.

I made a video this week. well, I produced and directed it. my throat is starting to hurt. I would really like some of those throat lozenges right about now.

dammit. I have to pack still.

ARRRGGGGH.

I left the bathroom door open. my room is approximately 90 sqare feet. I shit you not. the steam has now left the bathroom and has condensed the windows and the dresser mirror.

how funny.

I must stop typing now, because the screen is getting moisture on it as well.

go figure.

Posted by ryan at 04:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it comes too soon.

sleep is a valuable commodity. It should be worth it's weight in platinum.

but like in any market, there are peaks and troughs.

I think that I am making up for my oversleeping of the last few weeks by being thoroughly deficient in the amount of sleep that I have been getting.

... ... ...

I really don't think that's fair. Lucidity is definitely affected by mental acuity. Eventually, physical factors play a large role. Coherence is also deminished. I think right now, for me, it is just plain missing.

... ... ...

don't say you need me...

Posted by ryan at 09:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

there is a difference between the light and the dark.

obviously.

one cannot exist without the other.

some things make so much sense.

the uncertainty of it all is quite strange though.

there are times when everything is unclear.

there are times you think you have total clarity, but things aren't as clear as you might think. The curve of the earth prevents you from seeing past the line of site. light may bend with gravity, but if you get far enough away from it, you will not be able to see past it.

why?

what for?

when?

yes?

no?

some times there is no reason. it only is. well... maybe.

to the best of us. to the worst of us. time...

chance...

why. of course why.

if not why... then why not.

the sense will come. because there is none right now.

if it doesn't, then it will come later.

are you afraid?

"'I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of Him.' Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me..."

is hard to fathom.

loving and fearing simultaneously. to know is to love. and to know is to fear.

"Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come, follow Me, and I will give you rest."

it must go. it must return.

it must be found.

when backwards becomes forward, then the way shall be revealed.

find the way.

"Where were they going without ever knowing the way?"

but when backwards becomes forward, it is no longer backwards, but forward. so you can never go backwards, because no matter which way you face, the way you go is forward, although it might seem backwards.

Sometimes...

just sometimes... when you win... you really lose.

it was only tuesday. well... a moment ago. there are things that should not be done. They will not be done, of course, but they must be recognized. To name it is to negate it.

or not.

the eyes burn.

the wheels turn.

without you...

The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly...

it is much too late for this...

there is no sense. there is no purpose. stop me if you heard this...

it doesn't matter... and yet, it does matter... because if nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do...

and...

I saw you, and you saved me from myself...

Posted by ryan at 02:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am debating never flying to chicago ever again. Even if it is on the company tab.

last night, after a surprise day (for me) of tremendous snowfall , I arrived at DTW at around 7:30. I was able to eat dinner and get to my departing gate on time. According to all of the monitors, my flight was on time. Surprising, because every other flight in the airport had been delayed. In any case, we boarded as scheduled, only to discover that there had been a computer glitch, and the pilots that were supposed to be in the airport were not even on the correct side of the state.

Our pilots were stuck in Grand Rapids, and were not scheduled to arrive for another two hours.

great.

so we were told to wait because every other flight to chicago was booked and we might as well get comfortable since we were already seated.

bastards.

I ended falling asleep whilst talking to an elderly Filipino couple sitting next to me. It was funny because people thought that we were together as a family.

well...

maybe not so funny.

anyhow, when I woke up the pilots had boarded, and we were waiting for the ground crew to push us off. Except for, the ground crew was understaffed that night so it would take some time to push off and de-ice.

go figure.

so after all was said and done, I arrived at o'hare at around 12:30am. I was supposed to arrive at 9:30.

there was supposed to be a shuttle that was supposed to pick me up, but because I was late it was no longer there. Finally, after calling the appropriate service, I arrived at my final destination.

because I wanted to carry-on everything, I shoved my weeks worth of clothes inside a carry-on luggage and my laptop bag. This was effective in thoroughly wrinkling all of my clothes. Upon entering my closet sized room, I discovered that there was no iron or ironing board with which to remedy my disheveled clothing problem.

I thought I would hang my shirts in the bathroom and steam them, but the hangers were of the sort that were capable of hanging from any pole. No. They were the kind that hang from the ring that is permanently attached to the rack to eliminate the possibility of people stealing hangers.

all in all, I was able to get a couple hours of sleep. I have been forced to drink mass quantities of coffee today to stay coherent enough to participate in the training to which I was sent.

that said, I am so excited to sleep tonight!

I'll hang out with everyone tomorrow.

Posted by ryan at 02:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

last year, I went to a friend's nephew's birthday party, which was at a gymnastics facility. The people there allowed the young ones to play on the floor, the foam pit, and other apparatuses (er.. apparati?) in any case, they told us that the adults were not allowed on the equipment.

When I asked wy, they mentioned that adults hurt themselves the most because they can no longer do what they think they can do.

I scoffed.

I was not given the opportunity to prove them wrong, however, and I just sat through the length of the party playing battleship with Luis.

... ... ...

last week, I was asked to sub for an indoor soccer game... it had been a few months, and as it has been shown to me, I am no longer as young as used to be, and every day I get farther from it.

the mind knows, but the body does not want to respond. It is very much the reason that practice makes perfect. You body gets into the rhythm of the motions that must be used to do that which you need it to do.

of course.

bottom line.

I slipped up three times, after I beat my defender.

my legs wouldn't move the way I wanted them to move.

Posted by ryan at 04:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

today, I did not watch tv at all...

it was because lorie wasn't home, but mostly because I promised to not watch tv during lent...

I actually got some work done today... well, not really... since there really isn't any work for me to do right now...

it's valentine's day...

not a real big holiday for lorie and me, but happy valentine's day to everyone out there!

I was actually going to watch a movie today, but I thought it would look too depressing going to the movie by myself.

then I was considering calling up a friend to go to a movie, but considering that most of my friends that I could call up right now are mostly guys, my masculinty would probably be challenged... normally I would not give two shakes about, but I was not in the mood to put up with it...

I'm sorry...

I'm just thinking of the right words to say...

I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be...

... ... ...

but I promise that I won't watch tv during lent...

I promise you that I will... not.

Posted by ryan at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

one must experience to live. one must live to experience.

and just because you are alive, doesn't mean that you are living.

have you taken an inventory.

It don't matter that you got not a lot...

so what.

They'll have theirs, and you'll have yours, and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine....

how often do we not listen to what we ourselves say... perhaps those that don't speak that often take their own advice more often than dishing it out and not listening to it.

define it for me, if you will, because it is vague. Some people mature faster than others. Some can sail through life without a hitch or a glitch. While others are left behind.

don't worry about tomorrow? the day has enough evil on its own. God doesn't give you more than you can handle. God doesn't tempt you.

Is the act of being tempted the same as succumbing to temptation? Is succumbing to temptation the same as being tempted or is it just sin.

maybe the emphasis is on different verbs. Is "I am tempting you" the same as "You have been tempted by me?" because the act of me tempting you would mean that you have been tempted because I am doing the act. Whereas, "Me being tempted by you" would mean that I am allowing the tempting.

At what point does the temptation transition from your attempt to my acceptance. Is it possible for one to accept temptation but not succumb to it?

when things are uncertain to you, is it harder or easier to feel a sense of accomplisment... of completion... certainly harder for me.

life is a delicate balance. for me, if one part is disjointed, it is not always so easy to keep the other parts in place. Sometimes, spurts of ambition allow me to temporarily forget the imbalance, and forge in the direction of which ever way the balance moves, in essence, steering into the skid. but eventually, the momentum needs to be able to get you back on course.

one step, one fall, one falter... east or west... over earth or by ocean...

one way to be my journey...

do you know your way?

do I know mine?

you know, they most likely are not the same.

still I travel...

or wander, maybe...

until I find the Virgil for my Dante...

Posted by ryan at 05:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

what must be done today?

for I must do it.

"Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil." Matthew 6:34

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Posted by ryan at 02:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've a smile on my face...

Posted by ryan at 08:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have discovered a few things as of late...

1. there is a "middle" button on my laptop touch pad...

When I first received my new work laptop, oh, about six months ago, I was dismayed because there was no visible middle touchpad button.

I had become quite accustomed to using it as my IBM thinkpad and my Armada both had the third button. This button allowed an individual to scroll or to zoom easily through large documents, folders, or long web pages. Well, just recently, I discovered that if you press both buttons on the hp simultaneously it acts as the third button. what joy!

of course,
it being Brand
-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff

it is a bit cumbersome to press both buttons to engage this feature... but the saddest part is all of the lost time I had spent trying to compensate for the alleged, but rather incorrect, loss of the middle button...

... ... ...

2. just when you think you have something, there is nothing to keep it from falling through.

This is disheartening to me. This is also not a new revalation, per se, but more of a reiteration of a known concept.

I am unstaffed again. I had a whole month to find another project, and I thought I found three.

one was too short; one was initially too short, but was subsequently lengthened and the slot was filled while I had to negotiate behind the scenes; one was put on hold...

I am back to looking... again.

... ... ...

3. blog-comment spammers are ridiculously annoying. I do have protocols to minimize the amount of spam I get, but you can never stop them all. Of course, this too is not new information... just a re-realization. I apologize to those that get blocked from commenting due to the content restrictions I put on the comments... please e-mail me if this happens - not so much for the sake of seeing your own comments on this blog, but for the two or three other people who might not have the ability to get through...

do it for them.

;-P

... ... ...

4. I think I might want to get lorie and me a bigger bed. this is actually rather frivolous. We currently have a queen size bed. A bigger bed would be a king. For those of you that have seen our bedroom, you know quite well that a king would take up the rest of the open space.

a larger bed would also mean there would be less space for the clothes in the bedroom, as, currently, they all seem to be occupying the floor...

but the reason this audacious thought popped into my brain was because of the fact that lorie is out of town and I have not been staying on my side of the bed.I have been exploring all of the space of the queen size matress and I have found that I end up either in the middle or on lorie's side.

this fact could possible be because when lorie is home, I move over to cuddle with her... this lasts about two minutes because one of us can't get completely comfortable, and when one of us isn't comfortable, neither of us are. The Cuddle-Arm Dilemma being the major problem. (Cuddle-Arm Dilemma: The instance where the cuddler cannot negotiate a comfortable position for his/her arm when in contact with the cuddlee. Either underneath the pillow or between the cuddle. This position ultimately ends up with a forced (hence uncomfortable) position, loss of circulation to the limb, the inability of the cuddlee to accept the position of the arm underneath the pillow, or all of the above.)

do you think the NASA appproved mattresses can resolve this problem? I may be repeating myself, but who the heck cares if NASA certifies a mattress - since when did NASA become the authority of sleeping and comfort? Have you seen the inside of the space shuttle or a space station?There is nothing comfortable about any of that.

... ... ...

5. I'm hungry. This is only a new discovery, but not a new discovery... it was to be expected and now it is to be acted upon.

So I leave you to it...

... ... ...

she being Brand

-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff i was
careful of her and(having

thoroughly oiled the universal
joint tested my gas felt of
her radiator made sure her springs were O.

K.)i went right to it flooded-the-carburetor cranked her

up,slipped the
clutch(and then somehow got into reverse she
kicked what
the hell)next
minute i was back in neutral tried and

again slo-wly;bare,ly nudg. ing(my

lev-er Right-
oh and her gears being in
A 1 shape passed
from low through
second-in-to-high like
greasedlightning)just as we turned the corner of Divinity

avenue i touched the accelerator and give

her the juice,good

(it

was the first ride and believe i we was
happy to see how nice she acted right up to
the last minute coming back down by the Public
Gardens i slammed on

the
internalexpanding
&
externalcontracting
brakes Bothatonce and

brought allofher tremB
-ling
to a:dead.

stand-
;Still)

~ee cummings

Posted by ryan at 09:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)