Again, I hardcode the entry using my trusty Notepad, because I feel like blogging about something, anything, because at any random moment I could possibly explode from boredom, insanity, anxiety, annoyance, incredulity, or stress.

the funny thing is, stress is probably the least of my problems, as although I feel pressure, there isn't very much stress here... where I am at this moment. Things move a lot slower here, and so do the people... which isn't bad. it's just different from what I am accustomed. I'm not sure if it is indicative of the rest of the different branches or different levels, but it seems they spend a bit too much money of security, and not enough where it is needed... but maybe it is where it is needed. who knows. (the shadow knows)... in any case, on top of the change of pace... the people are, um, more limited in their world view... not to say that I'm the embodiment of ambassadorship, but I've been around... and there is a thing I'd like to call 'tact' that I rather miss.

Yesterday was all saints day... (never ever have I ever felt so low) I forgot to church... (When you gonna take me out of this black hole) I think the severity of this is compounded by the fact that I was at work until 7:30PM, though as usual (Never ever have I ever felt so sad) by the way, I'm thinking St. Peter is my patron saint... something to do with a feeling I had and then reinforced by the fact that his primary feast day is on my birthday... (I'll keep searching deep within my soul for all the answers, don't wanna hurt no more)

I am going to eventually switch my cms, but I need to have a more consistent internet connection at my apt... it seems that I have been unwittingly stealing my internet connection from neighbors because there isn't a community or apartment wide wireless connection as I thought, and the housing team lied to me when they said I had an internet connection... the bastards... that and I cannot fathom having to use dial-up again...

By the way - brisk ice tea and white chocolate on an empty stomach... not recommended for a long car ride - and if you have to go... PLEASE, GO AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

there is an exorbitant amount of candy around the office... I've been eating a lot of it... a lot of chocolate, a lot of taffy, a lot a lot a lot... I'll just get fat, it's the one vice left when you're dead meat... (there that's her. Maureen? Mimi! I should go, and it's beginning to snow!)

babiegoose [still] out until this thing gets switched...

8 years ago I would not have thought twice, but now it's just a bit annoying.

All of the automated generated stuff, like the links to this post in the side menu bar, the calendar update, the individual entries... none of that works right now...

Fortunately, I recently exported most of my entries (including comments - although, there has been a considerable lack thereof as of late, but possibly due to my uninspired prose)

this just vindicates my move from MT to Nucleus... I hope. I will have these past entries archived and stored eventually, so I can see how we (and when I say "we" I mean "I") have grown...

of course, this would mean that I would have to find time to do all of this work, and frankly, work is enough work for me right now...

I only have a few things to say... 1. I love my wife and I miss her dearly 2. I find that when I worry, it is always needless 3. I'm not ready to be back at work...

babiegoose out until this thing gets fixed...

just for this week and for next week though.

I can't blog for a while.

probably not until october...

13 more flights and I'm gold.

that is if NWA can keep its head up.

if not, I'll have to switch to continental.

because my miles will transfer there.

and if that doesn't work...

then I'll cry.

after next week, I get to spend two weeks straight with my wife.

that will be nice.

it will be the first two weeks straight we'll have spent together since our honeymoon.

I think.

every other day...

is just another...

fiddlesticks...

I was supposed to get 10 things.

I got 8 of them.

and I got 20 things that were not on the list.

... ... ...

it probably cost me three times what I was expecting to spend.

... ... ...

I'm so stupid.

I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.

... ... ...

I left my facial lotion at home. I shot it with my airsoft p90 (because I was testing out the laser sights) and I hit the cap dead on.

I forgot to grab the bottle and throw it in my carry-on.

I need to vacuum the house. (I like vacuuming)

... ... ...

I might have stated this before...

or maybe not...

but after about the third or fourth beer, I'm pretty much useless at the poker table...

so if you want me to lose, it's a safer bet to get a few drinks into me than it is to let me not drink.

because, pretty much, I'm not going to make nearly as many mistakes if I reach total consciousness.

... ... ...

ozone is poisonous and is only good for blocking out uv rays.

it's not something you want to breath.

in all fairness... ten bucks is like nothing.

considering that a full tank of gas for me is like $50...

build more refineries and figure out how to transport and transfer hydrogen more safely and more efficiently... because these gas prices are shit.

oh well...

I think this is the first time I lost straight out in a while.

eh.

whatever.

I'm pretty sure he didn't steal it (or my identity) but it's pretty weird...

I think it's a little weird when someone else in the room shares just my first name, let alone my first and last name...

I think there are a few more guys that also have my name.

I'm not saying that I have exclusive rights to it (my name), but I guess since I have not done anything of any significance as of late, I shouldn't expect to find myself when I google myself.

it is the one thing that I share most readily with people... it probably the one thing I own that other people use more than me.

go figure.

... ... ...

I've found some limits...

... ... ...

I can't sit around talking about art all day. I just can't. I can look at it all day... and mostly internalize what it is I see, but it's just not something I can explain to you, because, to me, viewing art should be something that evokes emotion...There is a lot of symbolism in art, which leads me to believe that it is for more educated people.

fine.

but even those people have to be told what it is they are looking at...

before they were told, they were just like everyone else who didn't know that a puppy means an innocent yet excited devotee, or that a mirror represents God's all-seeing eye...

in any case, although the artist had a specific motive for creating, it does not mean that a personal interpretation is in any way incorrect... just different.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder. if everyone agreed about everything, then what would be the point?

... ... ...

I can listen to music all day.

actually I do, but a lot of the time, it is just whatever is in my head. If I had spent more time practicing and paid more attention to my musical theory, then I probably would be able to better transpose that which is in my head to something a little more solid... and repeatable.

but there is always a beat.

... ... ...

I cannot just watch tv all day.

there are days in which I have, but there is almost something else going on at the same time. so that basically means that I'm not just watching tv, but doing something else.

... ... ...

I've never attempted to eat more than a quart of ice cream in one sitting. one sitting usually meaning less than 15 minutes. I can usually pound a quart in less than 10, but 15 is a good number up to which I can round.

I'm not sure if I could eat more than a quart. but I guess you never know until you try.

... ... ...

I found a third person with whom I share a birthday. you'd think it's not that big a deal, but the first time I met someone that shared my birthday was when I was a freshman in college.

but you know what? I think I'm just a little crazy.

... ... ...

by the way, did I tell you that I found someone with my name running around the phillippines?

... ... ...

I mutter these words under my breath every day...

pretty much.

... ... ...

harsh words.

hurtful.

and yet, I find that, in lieu of swearing, these words escape my lips, almost reflexively for whatever reason...

... ... ...

sometimes, they (the words) are directed at myself... usually during the moments when I recall a past action that makes me cringe because it was so stupid/embarassing/idiotic and I really no longer want to remember it, but I must because I know better for next time...

... ... ...

other times, they are directed at the entity on which I am currently working, say (for instance) a program/computer or some gadget which I have dismantled...

you know.

stuff like that.

... ... ...

in any case, I feel wretched when I catch myself exclaiming the phrase, because, obviously, there is something wrong.

I do not like to be wrong, hence I do not like remembering when I was wrong, but no one is perfect and being wrong is inevitable for humans, so therefore to rage against that simple truth is pointless because it is, in fact, truth.

... ... ...

my program won't work like I expected [I hate you]

I can't believe I did that [I hate you]

ARRGGGHHH [I hate you I hate you I hate you]

... ... ...

most of the time, the words are not as articulate as they are typed...

the phrase is usually fumbled out sounding more like "Iaechoo" than the more understandable "I hate you"

... ... ...

I find that "I hate you" is more palatable than "fuck" or "shit" or "dammit"... however this is all meaningless since the majority of the time these interjections would in most cases be barely audible.

... ... ...

why did I do that [Ihaechoo]

rrrrggghh [cracking all knucles] [iaechoo]

... ... ...

but let us swing to the opposite end of my emotional spectrum.

moments of epiphany. moments of triumph.

these events are not usually marked with words like "sweet!" or "yessss!" or "nice"...

no, those words are used for congratulating others in their instants of glory...

my self-congratulatory mantra is "ha haaaaa! bitch."

the first "ha" would be short, almost a stutter, right before the more sustained "haaaaa!" if I could manage it, I would place a staccato above the "bitch" because that's how it would come out - rapidly after the "haaaa!" with a quick nod of the head.

all followed by a smirk and a warm fuzzy feeling inside and maybe a little chuckle.

all this, again, under my breath.

... ... ...

[sigh]

that is the gamut of my emotions...

for the most part.

maybe one thing or another might supercede these instances, but they are probably far too personal for me to share and far too complex for me to describe...

... ... ...

"Talking about love is like dancing about architecture..."
~Joan, Playing by Heart

... ... ...

ha haaaa! bitch.

I think it's about time to change them soon... they aren't bothering me yet, but I am beginning to notice them, which I never did before...

... ... ...

maybe, perhaps, they are longing for attention, which I have selfishly kept for myself. Maybe it's jealousy because I talk a great deal more than I actually use my eyes. Maybe they are getting paid off by the doctor who prescribed them to me, so that they can bring in others like themselves so they can build up a power base and move into other territories, like the ears or nose...

little do they know, that I am an open shop. I'm not a big fan of unions, but I'm not a big fan of the litle guy getting screwed either... but I digress. these contacts are not gonna muscle me out.

nosiree.

... ... ...

I think it's getting down to it.

I'm going to end it.

I'm going to drown them.

... ... ...

two drops per eye of the Refresh Contacts stuff...

all better.

take, for example, pop. (soda for all you yahoos from distant lands)

pop is $2.00 - assumption at least a 20oz - but don't forget to add the 20% service fee - so $2.20 - then add applicable taxes and what not....

you see where this is going.

result - incorrect assumption leads to a $3.00 12oz can of coke...

future modification - pay the $1.00 from the vending machine for the same can...

... ... ...

that was not, of course, the only order that I made, although it in itself was a tad bit annoying...

... ... ...

the only good thing about this is that I can just charge it in and run...

... ... ...

certain minds being "those we consider genius"...

I try to imagine that I am a genius, but it's hard. (Unless, of course, I really am a genius, then I no longer have to imagine, because - you know - I am) I think of it in terms of point A, B, and C - normal people can only get from point A to C by going through B. I can get to point C from A by jumping over B.

Geniuses, I imagine, live at C and are looking at D, E, F, G, etc... simultaneously, trying to get to a whole other alphabet.

they can just play.

am I like Salieri and Cassandra? Am I doomed to mediocrity but can recognize genius and no one believes me until after it happens?

er...

whatever.

In any case, do you think genius recognizes itself? I think most do, after seeing other people react to what they can do, but some might just deny it or brush it off as just another thing...

Music/Movement/Acting/Comedy, Engineering/Architecture, Math/Science/Physics, Painting/Sculpting, Writing/Language...

I think those would be the classical stand-bys of genius...

I'm probably leaving stuff out, but then again, I'm no genius.

being able to derive something completely new from what is around you always impressed me...

surpassing the teacher, and so on...

... ... ...

I'd imagine that you'd have to be a genius to be a spy... you'd need a vast array of knowledge, instant recall, as well as being physically fit...

I would think - but the only think I know about that is what I learned from Hollywood and cartoons... so I think it is safe to say that I do not know much.

I will probably go to the Spy museum in a couple of weeks...

I'll know more about spies after that.

... ... ...

there is a huge difference between really smart/really talented and genius...

if we were to come into contact with genius, would we recognize it? would we smother it? would we smother it if we recognized it?

this guy, I think he might be one...

... ... ...

I'm going to think about inventing something that cool for about 5 minutes every day.

then I'll spend another minute trying to figure out how to make the cool thing...

... ... ...

I'm so tired on mondays...

when I don't get to bed early on sunday night...

and have to wake up early...

and fly.

and then work.

... ... ...

ritardando...

decrescendo...

fine...

at least Someone loves you.

... ... ...

I just wasted the last 6 hours going through and playing magic.

... ... ...

wasted might be a contested word in that sentence...

but I could have been doing other things.

... ... ...

like, oh, I don't know...

something useful around the house?

... ... ...

kimmie doesn't like cheap tricks.

is there a rule for multiple enchantments on a single creature?

let say, a wall, with flying, and is 3/5, and every time it is dealt or deals damage it adds that many hit points, and has protection from red and black, and can block any number of creatures, and also has prevent any combat damage dealt and has +2/+2...

also, it doesn't help that she was playing with an all red deck...

with no counter enchantments...

(1000 cards for $25 doesn't have that wide of a selection, although it does have enough to make a couple of good starter decks...)

... ... ...

and then, I waste even more time blogging about it.

effectively outing myself, my sister, and eric.

... ... ...

oops.

... ... ...

I've been finding that there are a good number of people that are closet comic book reading, magic/d&d playing, video game freaks out there.

... ... ...

that play instruments...

... ... ...

I need to go to sleep.

it is sad, right?

that you were deluded for so long that you had this image of yourself in your mind . this invincible aura about that which you thought you owned, when in fact you were more of a.

tool.

then you realize, that after all this time, you were drawing strength from this belief. and now everything you thought you believed is no longer valid.

I think that's what hell must be like...

or a mid-life crisis...

... ... ...

I've heard of people having quarter-life crisises - how sad is that.

that's why people who want to become firefighters should become firefighters...

damn the money.

... ... ...

I never wanted to be a firefighter.

I think...

deep down.

I just wanted to be right.

or I just wanted to win.

and if I wasn't, then I wanted to know how to be right.

or how to win.

... ... ...

now.

it's a toss up between being right, winning, and just plain having fun.

if you are lucky, you can do all three together.

or you can pick two...

or they can be mutually exclusive.

and if you have to have it the first way all the time...

I'm pretty sure you're never gonna be happy with anything.

... ... ...

and I'll tell santa to put a coal in your stocking.

a coal from hell.

:-P

j/k (I don't think santa's allowed in hell)